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The story of Jesus’ ascension told by cats

Levi Jones Associate Pastor of Theology

I know we have been promising cat pictures for some time. I have heard your heartfelt cry to not make all dreary and dusty apologetics. And to not always harp on the things God hates. I get it. I hear you.

As mostly hell bound heathens who haven’t read the Bible, I have a duty to teach you what’s in it. So I have arrived at a compromise I think we will find mutually agreeable.

I will have cats teach you stories from the Bible.

Part one: The Ascension of Jesus:

Not a well know fact, Acts 1 is a continuation of Luke 24. Luke 24 ends with the now resurrected Jesus appearing in front of  His apostles. Twice He appears and disappears.

Luke 24:15-16, And it came to pass, that, while they communed together and reasoned, Jesus himself drew near, and went with them.

16 But their eyes were holden that they should not know him.

mask on

In disguize. I coem liek a theifs in nite.

After that Jesus went and talked with them for hours and ate with them and then suddenly:

Luke 24:31 And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight.

mask off cat

Behold guize! It’s me! Gotta run bai.

And then Jesus returns to the apostles. They were afraid at first that they had seen a ghost.

Luke 24:37 But they were terrified and affrighted, and supposed that they had seen a spirit.

Luke 24:37 cats-1-500x374

But Jesus was there to calm them down. To prove He was flesh and bone, he told His friends how hungry He was.

41 And while they yet believed not for joy, and wondered, he said unto them, Have ye here any meat?

hungry cat

42 And they gave him a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb. 43 And he took it, and did eat before them.

Don’t do this. It is harmful to kittehs.

After Jesus ate to prove He wasn’t a spirit or ghost, He tells the Apostles to go to the temple of Jerusalem where they will be given new super powers.

Luke 24:49 And, behold, I send the promise of my Father upon you: but tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem, until ye be endued with power from on high.

After that, He ascends or floats to heaven instead of just disappearing like He did the last time.

Go thow untwo Jerusalem.

Go thow untwo Jerusalem.

Luke 24:49-51 And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and carried up into heaven.

I haz to go nao bye.

I haz to go nao bai.

Thus ending Luke. Then there’s John between Luke and Acts, but we are going to skip over to Acts 1.

After Jesus went to Heaven, He comes back yet again as a spirit form and preaches to the Apostles for 40 days. He again promises to send them a super power because the Holy Spirit is coming.

This is one of the things that gets confusing for the unsaved mind. They may wonder things like, “Why did Jesus need to ascend to heaven in the first place? Why didn’t He just stay there as flesh and bone. He could have gone and mooned Pilate just prior to going up. But instead Jesus left and came back as a spirit and promises the Holy Spirit will come… Who is the same as Him and God. And why were they scared of Jesus being a ghost last time, but not this time?”

To them I say, You just need to have faith. Stop thinking and let God think for you. (Jeremiah 17:7-10)

Jesus cat

I JeZus da great and mitey, say this ghost leave you and new ghost coming!

Acts 1:4-9 And, being assembled together with them, commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem, but wait for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me.

5 For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence.

6 When they therefore were come together, they asked of him, saying, Lord, wilt thou at this time restore again the kingdom to Israel?

7 And he said unto them, It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power.

8 But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.

9 And when he had spoken these things, while they beheld, he was taken up; and a cloud received him out of their sight.

Acts 1:9 Jesus Cloud_cat

Bai again fer real this tiem.

All of these great miracles are occurring everywhere in the Temple, the resurrected Son of Man in the center of town and religious life for the Jewish people. This is during the height of the Roman Empire. There are histories and fragments of histories from this time. Surely one of them must mention this? Of course there is! It’s called the Book of Luke/ Acts of the Apostles. It is the reliable history source for this great miracle.


Youth Minister Harry (10-10-2015 08:43 AM): This should be shown to every child in America. Yes, this lesson, like so many other things, should be shown to every child in America! ...
Elmer G. White (10-10-2015 08:49 AM): I find it sad that even cats can have a better understanding of the True and Wonderful Nature of Jesus than heathen atheist scientists and repulsive sodomites. I hope (but doubt) the next generation will ...
Back against wall (10-10-2015 08:50 AM): I often feel quite close to God when I look at my wifes Pussy. I just gaze at it in awe and think, Jesus. I fondly call it my Hairy little button. ...
Bedford W Muller (11-10-2015 05:21 AM): Dad says Chinks an Switzlanders eat cats, but the Switzlanders cook theres better. ...
Rodrigo (12-10-2015 09:51 PM): Thank you, Brother Levi, for sharing the Good Mews. ...
Levi Jones (09-04-2017 04:50 AM): I moved this to the Easter Forum, to celebrate our Savior's resurrection and ascension to heaven. ...
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